Should Mixed Drinks Be Allowed on the Golf Course?

There are certain almost guaranteed to make people angry, and suggesting that mixed drinks don’t belong on the course is firmly in that category. Golf and drinking have been companions for a very long time. The beverage cart rolls up, somebody orders a transfusion, another player decides to make it a double, and suddenly the foursome has turned a routine stop between shots into a full-service cocktail operation.

The problem is that golf already has a issue without asking the beverage-cart attendant to become a bartender.

The Beverage Golf Cart Has a Timing Problem

A reader recently raised that exact point while responding to a column about golf-cart management. His friends once nicknamed him “the human rain delay,” which is about as brutal a label as an amateur golfer can receive. Instead of arguing with them, however, he changed his habits and developed a set of pace-of-play guidelines designed to keep himself moving.

One of those guidelines concerned beverage carts. “Beer Carts – They definitely do not speed up play. If you want me to patronize your cart girl, then add those minutes to the expected round time. And no mixed drinks. Nothing that she has to pour. The nineteenth hole can accommodate those potions.”

It is difficult to argue with the basic logic.

Golf courses, particularly busy public facilities, frequently want players to meet a designated “time par.” At the same time, those courses understandably want customers buying drinks from the beverage cart or halfway house. Those two objectives can collide spectacularly when four golfers decide they each need a double transfusion or whatever elaborate cocktail has become the latest on-course favorite.

The drinks have to be made. Then comes the iPad payment. Then the tip prompt. Somebody starts searching through a wallet for cash. Another player changes his order. Meanwhile, the group behind is standing in the fairway wondering why nobody is moving.

A stop that could have lasted 45 seconds becomes several minutes.

Do Hard Liquor Drinks Really Belong on the Golf Course?

That raises a slightly more dangerous question: Does anyone actually need hard liquor during a round of golf?

This is not an argument for turning golf courses into monasteries. Beer has practically become part of the recreational-golf uniform, and plenty of golfers have stories involving considerably stronger substances. Circumstances also differ. A serious round at an elite course with a member is not the same experience as a Saturday afternoon at the local public track with three longtime friends.

Age changes the calculation, too. The prospect of knocking back multiple cocktails in the middle of the afternoon becomes considerably less attractive when a two-year-old is waiting at home. That pleasant buzz on the 14th tee eventually has to survive the drive home, the headache, and a small child who has absolutely no interest in hearing that Dad would prefer to spend the next three hours horizontally positioned on a couch.

There is also something satisfying about delaying the drink until the round is over. A cold beer at the 19th hole feels earned. Nobody is waiting in the fairway while it is poured. Nobody has to hit a delicate wedge immediately afterward. The scorecard is signed, the clubs are put away, and there is nowhere left to fall apart except comfortably into a clubhouse chair.

During the round, meanwhile, the humble seltzer makes a surprisingly strong case for itself. It is cold, filling, usually calorie-free, and can be opened in about two seconds. Lime flavor is perfectly capable of getting a golfer through the back nine without bringing traffic to a standstill.

Then Comes That Perfect Fall Afternoon

Of course, all of this sensible reasoning has one enormous weakness.

Eventually there will be a crisp 58-degree fall afternoon. College football will be streaming from somebody’s cart. Responsibilities at home will temporarily disappear. The beverage cart will arrive at precisely the right moment, and someone will casually suggest double transfusions.

Then another round of golf’s best intentions will be placed in serious jeopardy.

The first cocktail will taste terrific. The second may somehow coincide with a flushed 7-iron headed directly toward a back-left pin, creating approximately 30 seconds in which hard liquor and golf appear to be humanity’s finest combination.

The swing gets loose. Decisions become questionable. The final holes drag. Then comes the headache, followed by the realization that the afternoon still has several hours remaining and other people may reasonably expect the golfer to function during them.

That is the strongest argument for leaving the cocktails at the 19th hole. Mixed drinks take time to prepare, slow an already slow game, and can turn what was supposed to be an enjoyable afternoon into a recovery operation.

One beer after the round, savored slowly, followed by a clear-headed return home sounds considerably smarter.

Unfortunately, the double transfusion at the turn will continue to make a very persuasive counterargument.